Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Need a moment? Wisdom Wednesday

This is one of my favorite photos. It summarizes what I really want to do right now, take off an entire afternoon and soak up the sun with my favorite kids and animals. I've observed that my children are actually very good at taking frequent time outs to: 1. play 2. lay on the grass 3. pick dandelions and various pretty flowers (dad calls them weeds but who cares! 4. ignore adult suggestions of "get to work" 5. piddle away for hours, being completely unproductive and HAPPY.

Its time for me to take note of this ability and join the crowd. School is officially out tomorrow. Summer begins or is supposed to, whenever the weather decides to reflect the season! Today is a break in the action so I'm taking an opportunity to reflect on all that has come through in a very short week.

The "present moment" for me has offered an array of decisions, choices, shifts, changes in plans and lots of restructuring. Some of them have been easy to navigate, other much more challenging. How do you react to stressful, unplanned changes? One of the abilities that I've prided myself on is the abilty to be flexible. Usually I am. Monday I was supposed to get my dairy goat. At 10 am I had to make the call asking if we could wait one more week. We planted trees instead of working on the barn. The pick-up died so I had no transportation (and NO, I do not have CDL so you won't see this ol gal driving the Blue Whale!) I had my heart set on getting Egypt to this place. She's been wanted for a long time and it was soooo close..........and it wasn't meant to be. A lot of things this week just weren't meant to be.

After days of being "flexible" I snapped. Not pretty. I would love to say that since I teach meditation and often help others work with their emotions and responses, I am 100% zen. Yeah......not the case. What I am is 100% genuine, even in the appearance of rage and frustration. Others around me usually do not have to guess what I am feeling or thinking. I do wear my emotions on my sleeve for all to see. I do often react in an intense way. Thanks to the support of a loving, trusted friend I was able to recognize and honor this.

I am not trying to be anyone other than me. It might be nice to act (and genuinely feel) like Mother Teresa, full of compassion and joy ALL OF THE TIME but for me this wouldn't be authentic. I am fully human, and with that comes and array of emotions, connections and responses. I choose to live full out. I hold nothing back. No "stuffing" goes on around here, no shoving feelings aside to make others happy or comfortable. No hiding, no retreating, no denying. I allow myself to feel whatever comes through. Sometimes I have more control on the way I react than other times, but there is no game playing. What is here is REALLY here.

At times, I know this can be difficult for the people around me. In the past, I've apologized or tried to fix or repair any perceptions of damage or hurt feelings. I don't intentionally hurt anyone. Often it isn't even them or what they've done, its ME reacting to ME  and they observe me "processing". I can be angry, loud and frustrated. By allowing those emotions to FULLY be here, I also am able to move through and release them quickly. I don't hold a grudge. I feel what I feel and then I let it go.

It came as a lovely surprise when my friend shared that I am not an "angry person" (as someone told me yesterday) rather I am an "intense person". "You don't do anything halfway. I'm sure this includes being mad. Its how you are. Its not something that is a problem. I find that qualtiy admirable."  These words helped me recognize and honor the TOTALITY of my being. This is a wonderful recognition and helped immensely in releasing any guilt or attempt to fit into a mold of how I should (or should not) be. I wish for everyone to have friends that reflect such truth. I feel deeply blessed.

In this present moment I am able to open, embrace and accept myself for ALL that is here, admirable or otherwise. When I set the intention of living a full life, I would be limiting myself if I only choose those moments that are appear good and positive. I believe there is beauty and wholness in every moment. It may clouded by the occassional angry words or intense reaction but I'd rather have real, genunie and authentic than something "sugar coated" and false. It is who I am. I accept all my emotions without filters. I don't need a moment, I want them, all of them and whatever arises within each is welcome here.

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