Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Rising In The Mist

I am actually on a computer and writing this post from home today *gasp*  I feel like I've been on a long trip though I have managed to sleep in my bed every night. Each day has brought up something different to do and experince. Though I like the variety I have to say, it would be nice to have some down time. I have a sense this will happen after the 4th of July but I can't be sure. I just looked at the ki alignments for June and WHAM, looks like it will be another month of living in the "action vortex"!

I am posting a picture that a friend of mine took during the Journey Practitioner Training in Tahoe. I am not a morning person but I did get out of bed quite early to catch this sunrise. I must have sent some kind of intention about waking up and enjoying mornings because that is what I have been doing now, since April! I am up at the crack of dawn doing chores and taking care of animals, children, garden and home........almost in that order too! The kids usually don't wake up until after the pens have been cleaned and the animals fed. I then go in and feed my other "house animals" and we begin our day!

There's been a lot of inner questions and wrestling with my identify of late. I feel called to make changes and have some ideas about what those changes entail but I'm not in a place of action right now, I'm taking it all in. I had planned on building my farm venture and staying very close to home; raising chickens, milking goats, making cheese and working in the garden. I'd have time for all of these if I STAYED HOME! As of April, that was my plan! Apparently the stars had a different theme in mind for my energies. I am doing all those things yet I don't feel as passionate and inspired as I once had. The death of my chickens really took the wind out of my sails, much more than I expected.

 I work well when I have a goal in mind. Right now, I am searching. The chicken ordeal has widened my perspective and I am questioning my motives and direction. The boys are playing ball games and going to Junior Rodeos. Chad is on the rodeo trial, being gone every weekend. I have to think that it might be easier if I only had the garden, house and kids to focus on. Is this defeat? At times, it does feel like it. I think I've strung myself out too far. I had no idea just how busy this month was going to be and now that I'm in it. I am wondering where I am headed now? For the near future it will be a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and just keep on keeping on. I don't regreat having this experience. One never knows the full gamut of all that is involved until you are right in the midst of it. I feel like I've come too far to turn around and go back but I am also feeing a little lost right now. This is a strange feeling for someone who is usually pretty sure of her direction! One thing about farm/ranch life is that it will offer a vareity of emotions. Like the weather you can be on top of the world one day and at the bottom of the barrel the next!

I can say that I am not feeling like a victim nor am I asking for sympathy of any kind, only that the recent events are offering me a chance to really choose what I want for my future and right now, I just don't know. I could easily downsize and concentrate on my writing, which always seems to be supportive. I can see myself hiking and camping in the mountains, "living out of a pink RV with starts on the ceiling", roaming across the country taking pictures and writing articles, or even collecting cool antiques and opening my own shop.  Oh the possibilites are endless. I just need some time to feel out what is right and what most inspires me. Maybe this is all about me getting used to being here, as most summers before this I've been on the road? Maybe this is natural? I don't know (I say that a lot lately!) You're input and clarification is welcome. Its sometimes easier to see things from an outside perspective and since I'm in the midst of this vortex, I'll be happy to see through your eyes for a bit!

I have a vision of clarity that is coming soon. I can feel it deep within my body and being. It feels far away but I know that it is not. It will arise, as the mist of an early morning does, when I give myself time and space to just be. I miss sitting beside a body of water and letting my thoughts drift, the shower just doesn't cut it anymore! I still dream of lazy days and moments of calm, peace and quiet. That's what I most want. That is not what today looks like. I have a five year old asking me to baby sit for her pet wolf, an 8 year old that is looking for a shovel, (pray for him, he usually can't find his underwear in the morning) and an 11 year old that is bossing everyone around telling us all the work that has to be done before Dad gets home from work (I am included in the "everyone"---he thinks he's older than I am sometimes.) I will continue to post throughout the week. I am finding the blog is a deeply therapuetic way to help bring my energies to center. If you are brave enough to read and keep up with such random thoughts, I thank you!!!!

This week's agenda; Wednesday, hair appointment with my favorite, dynamic Hair Goddess (she works incredible magic folks! Barb is the BEST!) I will take care of errands and food list for my sis-in-law's peanut shower Saturday. Thursday, up before the sun with chores, travel to Hastings to watch my rock star cousin compete in his final High School Rodeo Finals! Go Austin Go! (so very proud of this boy, he's an awesome roper!) Friday, work on peanut shower album and gifts and perhaps do a little organization. Saturday, up before the sun again and head north to Peanut's Shower and Sunday ??? hopefully a long nap!

Here's wishing you peace and direction wherever your jounrey takes you today!

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