Friday, July 13, 2012

Where the Road Goes

Whenever we start out on a venture, we really don't know where we'll end up do we? We certainly carry hopes and aspirations, dreams and visions but until we are fully within the experience, we simply can't know all that awaits us. And what lies within that inner "suitcase" is often a surprise, at least for me!

I've been in this body long enough to know that I typically start out on all journeys with a rush of anticipation and excitement. I see through brightly colored lenses and seldom acknowledge possible challenges, I'm just not wired that way. When the glitches and pitfalls begin to emerge, I do my best to take them in stride. I've been known to implode, whine, kick, scream, bawl, and vent if I sense it's too much, yet I've never REALLY had to go to a depth that I couldn't handle. I don't say that in a boastful manner, I say that because usually those obstacles bring me to a depth I didn't know I had (and often didn't want to know I had). I've been in some tough places, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I've wondered and questioned everything. I've doubted and wanted to just drop it all, run away and never look back, but I don't.

I have long worked with allowing ALL experiences in my life and releasing judgement of anything particular thing being good or bad. When I drop those labels there is an openness, a freedom and expansiveness that cannot be replicated within constriction. I'm leaning into that more and more. I'm following more of what makes my heart happy and less and less what I "need to do, have to do, should do". That too is liberating though it does come with some confidence building lessons.

When I start out on a new venture I'm always confident. And then there's the day, the event, the situation that arises and I implode. I panic, I get sick, I shut down, stop talking, retreat into the recesses of my own being and hole up. The rest of the world may not know this, only those closest to me do. I'm typically an outgoing, outspoken, confident "go-getter," fiercely determined to succeed, but not always. No, sometimes I'm really scared, self-conscious and fearful. Why? Its the truthful recognition of having a chance to walk down a road that before I retreated from. I may have taken a few steps in the right direction but when things got tough I sought safety and ran back the other way.

When I was little, I loved to draw. I fancied myself as an artist. My Mama bought me an art set and I was so excited! I read the instructional books and practiced with the pencil and ink pen, but that was it. I didn't touch the paints. Nope, didn't even open a tube. The case was pretty and neat and I kept it that way. I opened it up and "played" with what I knew wouldn't make a mess. I had no idea where to begin so I didn't even try. I drew all kinds of pictures on the papers and with the pencil and practiced calligraphy but NOT ONCE did I touch those paints or brushes.

I've always been drawn to crafts, creating and writing. When I started scrapbooking I found a wonderful outlet for my journal, record keeping and creative vibrations but I never reached for that paint set. I've kept it with me since I was 10 years old. It's been in every home I've lived in, including my college dorm. The inks and paints are dry but I still have the case. I've had the urge to return to this road for sometime now. Gently inviting me to return here, take up the challenge and see what's within. It's not something I'll probably do "for a living". It has nothing to do with impressing anyone. It has everything to do with allowing my body/being this experience that seems so deeply ingrained in my cells. I'm returning to that early road.

I learned a HUGE lesson in college about facing fears, going back, relearning and redoing things correctly. I wasn't good at math. It took me seven times to pass the PPST so I could be a teacher. I had to go back and teach myself basic math. It didn't stick from 8th grade to up until I was a junior in college. I had one hell of a block and it was clear I wasn't going down any road until I STOPPED and faced it. I did. I took an entire semester off and studied like mad, studied until it made sense to ME. I arrived at the answers in non-traditional ways. I learned how my brained worked, how I was wired and most importantly I discovered that the only way to have an authentic experience is to TAKE THE ROAD and release worry of how it will all end up. It is the experience, not the destination that I most needed to focus on. The destination is great, but only secondary. And the final destination is the beginning of the next, continuous, winding road.

I'm ready to go down THIS road. I don't care where it takes me. I have a 10 year old artists that I've put on hold for a very long time. She's been patiently waiting to join hands with me and play in the paint. She's been with me this whole time, cheering as I got out "good dishes" for an ordinary meal, and wearing dress-up clothes even though I wasn't leaving the house, breaking out a special bottle of wine for an ordinary evening of sitting on the deck. She's silently witnessed me breaking through barriers of keeping things "nice and neat" knowing deep down that we both want to "go wild" with paint and............just see what happens when she gets to "run down that road". We'll both be a little surprised to find out I'm sure.

I don't know where this road goes. I know it won't end, it will simply offer a different type of scenery that what I've been used to.

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