There are a lot of things that I don't know. That is why I am here. Everyday is a puzzle, a new mystery to experience. I used to want to run ahead and see what was coming down the road but I don't anymore. I am content to be right where I am at. I haven't always felt this way, maybe it comes with age, experience or a few rough knocks.
May is a busy month for us. Nearly every month is becoming that way and will keep it up if I don't put my foot down. I am doing something this summer that I have never done before.............staying home. I am putting the anchors down and proclaiming a slower pace. I have to admit I am a bit reluctant to do this. My gypsy bones have a hard time staying in one place. I am a wanderer, an adventure seeker, an eternal explorer. I dream of loading up my backpack, camera, dog and gear and heading out into the world. I love my family more than anything. I adore my friends beyond belief. I appreciate the home we've created here. Someday though, I won't be able to control this urge, I will have to follow this yearning and see where it takes me. Right now though, dharma keeps me right here. I know my place, for the time being, is to stay on this place.
Usually I am preparing to hit the road with Chad and the kids, going to rodeos, meeting up with good friends and enjoying the fun summer vibrations. I'm road weary though. I've done this for 16 years. Its time for change! In the next couple of years, my boys will likely be going to more rodeos. More than likely I will be there, camera in hand, watching and cheering them on. I've decided to consciously slow things down a bit. I want to enjoy as much time at home as I can, working in the garden, watching my chickens and...........milking goats. I know, to some of you readers, this may sound absolutely ridiculous. Believe me, I've caught a lot of crap about this! And the only thing I can say is I have to follow my heart. There is something in me that wants this experince and is ready for it. I realize the committment, I realize that I will not be traveling, I realize that this will anchor me down. BIG TIME and I'm okay with that.
Maybe some of you are right, maybe I won't be able to handle being in one place ALL summer. Maybe this experience won't last very long. Maybe it isn't the right time or milking goats isn't suited to my personality...........but what if it IS? What if I love it? What if you run out of cheese or milk and you need to borrow some of mine?
I'm not out to prove anything. I am simply here for the experience, good, bad or otherwise. In the past, I would only agreed to an experince if I knew ahead of time that it was going to turn positively. I now see ALL experiences being positive, even ones that may be perceived as being uncomfortable or otherwise. It is easy to limit the totality of our experiences by choosing only the "safe" route. Sometimes the strange, daring and "wrong" choices end up being liberating. This is where it pays to listen to our heart rather than our head, though we often don't know it until a later time. Trust is essential, trust in yourself is a MUST. If you don't know what your motives are or why you are doing what you are doing, best not to try. But if you do, if you have the courage to do that which is crazy, wild, new, daring, different, quirky, unconventional, you will likely find a new vigor, a new awarness that floods your cells. If what you've been doing hasn't paid off, why not try something else? What's the worst that can happen?! YES, go THERE! You may find, like I did that things are often not as bas as what our minds want us to believe. Investigate, gather the details, tune into your heart and then..............take the LEAP!
How many times do we stop ourselves before we've even tried something different, to know if we like it? How many times do we let fear and anxiety guide our decisions? I see so many people feeling trapped and "stuck". Life doesn't have to be that way. Things are not as black and white as they seem. And so what if we decide to do something and it doesn't work? Are we out? Heck no! We learn just as much from experinces that don't fly as the ones that do! Let the experince, not the perception of the outcome be enough. Worrying about all the variables only distracts our attention and foucs.
Live. Be. Enjoy. You don't have to have a reason. If you want to learn something new, sign up for the class. If you fail miserably, throw a party and join the club. (I may have a violin for sale if I don't get these fingers to flex more!) Our greatness is seldom measured in the amount of times we've succeeded or failed, it is through each experince and the learning that we acquire that makes us truly amazing.
I have some doubts about where I'm headed with my little farm. I'm taking big gulps of air when it comes to the direction of my career and where I could be going with my work. Its really too early to tell. I'm not there yet. I might not be there for a while, or............ something amazing could happend tomorrow and I could be on a plane headed to Hawaii. And you now what..........none of it really matters in THIS moment. I am right where I need to be. I do listen to my head continually and I follow my heart instead. I listened to and followed logic for 35 years. It served me well and kept me safe, I have no regrets. In the last two years though, things have changed. I'm ready to see what is beyond logic and linear! I appreciate having a comfort zone but it no longer confines me.
For now, I'm content to experience the regularity of having a dairy goat here. I've always wanted to try it. If for some reason, out of the blue, my career intentions suddenly take off and I'm invited to go adventure in exotic places, I'm just sure I'll be able to take my family friends, goats, and dogs along! The more the merrier. Oh! Won't they have fun riding in my gypsy wagon???!!!
When the boys were smaller and we spent most of our time putting up hay we did not travel much. I decided if I couldn't go where I wanted to then I would turn my yard into where I wanted to be. I had beautiful flowers, vegetables, a green lawn, a snap side pool, a slip-n-slide and lots of blanket picnics under a shade tree. Now I love following them on the rodeo circuit but I wouldn't give those years up for anything.
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